eyerolls
Have you heard of impostor syndrome? Or as David Epstein calls it: “I’m a fluke syndrome”. I have it and I have it bad.
Impostor syndrome is believing you don't have a place at the table. Thinking you're a hack. A fake who is going to be found out. Your internal voice is saying one (or more) of these things: “I really don’t have anything worthwhile to share.” “No one is going to like this.” “No one is even going to look at this.” “What business do I have posting anything I make?” “I’m not a real artist.” etc.
A few months ago, I showed some of my tinkerings to some people I thought I could trust and got disappointing reactions. One person actually suggested (out loud) that I am wasting my time. Some seemed to think that what I make isn’t worthy of showing. Some of them literally rolled their eyes. Others were so uninterested that you could say they figuratively rolled their eyes.
It’s disheartening to do something, make something, share something, and have people dismiss it. It can lead to a dark, dark place. This is not good for someone already suffering from impostor syndrome.
But one of the things I’ve learned somewhat recently is that when I get into this mode I need to go to my workspace for therapy. To express myself by making something. And so when I was getting negative feedback on some of my work, I began thinking about the eyerollers. I made these eyeroll collages, and I started feeling better. In the end, I took something that made me feel bad and made it into art. (This is exactly how the 2020 shitshow book came to be.)
And you know, making these little things helped me with my impostor syndrome. I've had a paradigm shift from "Oh no, she rolled her eyes at my stuff." to "I've got a collage for that."
Last week I started listening to a new podcast called Mind Your Practice (which may now be defunct; the last episode I can find is from April 2021). The host, Beth Pickens, is the author of a book titled Make Your Art No Matter What. In one of the episodes, Pickens is having a conversation with illustrator/writer/zinester, Nicole J. Georges. At one point, they discuss how you should never read reviews of your work. The work is done, you've created what you've created, you're not going to go back to it and remake it. Right. But more importantly the message is that you shouldn't look for outside validation to give you inside peace. Outside validation really doesn't go that far, if you ever even find it. You have to make the art you have to make.
Make your art. Let them roll their eyes. Rollers gonna roll, roll, roll, roll, roll.
Shake it off.
Til next week!